Living for Now
I had a generally good Late Summer Bank Holiday weekend and I learnt some things about living for today. Accepting loss of people, things and what one once was are important parts of the recovery from depression.
I was able to get more into a leisure and domestic holiday mood rather than trying to work. As a result I got a lot of jobs done around the house and identified work needed on a car and other bits and pieces. We had a good weekend socially as well. But I was not satisified.
Restless and Lacking Direction
I am restless and do not really seem to know what I want from the rest of my life. I am still rather locked into the driven person that I once was but the path I was on is no longer available. It leaves me with a sense of uncertainty and discomfort even though I have some ideas which I suspect I have not fully accepted.
It was brought home to me over the holiday weekend when Alison and I went out for walk at the local nature reserve. Despite it being a very pleasant, early morning on a late summer day I was irritable and not really enjoying the walk. There was a feeling that I could be doing something more useful, there was nothing to see and I did not really want to be there but felt duty bound to join Alison.
I should have been able to enjoy the moment, simply mindful of what was around me.
Nothing to see – that rather says it all about my state of mind. Nature was abundant; there was wildlife, plants were in flower and fruit on the trees, all under a blue sky. Our small part of the world was in good health. The problem was I could not get in the “now” and just Be. My conscious mind was getting in the way and not allowing me to simply enjoy the simple pleasures, to be simply mindful of everything around me. As Philip Zimbardo identified in the Time Paradox I am future oriented which is where my drive has come from. With the changes I am experiencing, and want to happen, I should be more comfortable when I can become more present oriented.
As Kat Tansey found and described in Choosing to Be one has to come to terms with the loss of people and what we once were. In her case she had lost the mother she knew to Alzheimer’s disease and she was no longer the high-flying career woman she had been. Kat’s mood lifted when she was able to accept those losses and be grateful for what now was.
Accepting Loss and Change
I face a similar challenge and I am at the same stage. I have accepted the loss of my father who died a while ago. I still remember him of course, but he does not intrude into my daily thoughts as he did for a long time. But I am still coming to terms with the changes to myself and my life.
Whilst I am sure I do not really want to go back to working away from home and the pressures of demanding clients I have not in my subconscious fully accepted the idea. It is probable the reason I have not come to terms with the changes is that they are not yet fully clear. Hence the restlessness and the backward looks to a life that was a little more certain. I am in transition but I don’t know to what!
As with any problem recognising there is something wrong is the first step to resolving it. I need to revisit the Time Paradox and take his advice for relearning how to live with a present orientation, to live in the now or as Kat Tansey would suggest I need to start Choosing to Be. Life will be so much simpler then; whatever form it takes.